party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
