when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
nutella sex= disaster
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
