I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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