I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
