The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
