i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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