My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
