I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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