I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
