She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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