I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Randomize
