oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
