Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
