Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
