Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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