Soap is not a condiment
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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