I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
