i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize