The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
