shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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