Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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