I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sponge bath it is.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
