Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
