that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
