I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
