The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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