So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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