How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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