I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The air was thick with penises
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
