theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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