while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
