Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize