Dude my mom stole all your condoms
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
