I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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