haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
