That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
