so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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