just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So many bounce houses so little time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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