alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
