I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
