I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the day after is always just damage control
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
