he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
