he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
