Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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