I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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