I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
