Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
