So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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