I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
