Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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