i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
