I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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