I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You pole danced in your parka.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
