we have pet lesbian snakes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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