the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
