what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
