Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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