Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
