You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
