i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
